The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Labreador
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)