The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
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If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage