The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
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*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please