The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
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STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
translated into Canadian
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office