scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
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CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance