The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
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me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
bears
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.