@NYC_Blonde: The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you'd think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
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@rachelle_mandik: do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they're viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
@AbrasiveGhost: UK Scientist: We've engineered a new species of cyanobacteria U.S. scientist: We've made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
@tastefactory: "YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER" - salt
@jonnysun: in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times