@NYC_Blonde: The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you'd think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
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@Hilarious_Idiot: Harry Potter fans: I wanna go to Hogwarts. Narnia fans: I wanna go to Narnia. Hunger Games fans: Nope I'm good..
@MattMcElaney: GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I'd rather be "uncool" than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
@alesiavsworld: Creep yelling from window: "HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?" Me yelling back: "HE DEAD" Him: "WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?" Me: "HE YELLED AT ME"
@itsa_talia: why would old man skeletor wait until the 3rd period of the final game to introduce new uniforms to the team you're a stupid old man