The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
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the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
it is time once again
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
#TopTip
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Your honor these allegations are
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Velcrow
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”