@cerebralbeef: The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that's obviously not working.
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@Book_Krazy: Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means? Me: That it's only Wednesday
@therealeatwood: [Watching Amityville Horror remake from 2005] ME: Don’t buy it! Don’t buy that house! YOU IDIOTS! THE REAL ESTATE MARKET IS ABOUT TO CRASH!
@hippieswordfish: before guns were invented, armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit out until the next war
@HappyHijabbi: *Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt* This one doesn't listen anymore...Can I get a new one?