The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
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listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.