The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
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Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
me when I see my crush
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
🤣🤣🤣
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.