The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
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Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Tremendous stuff
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.