@Born2bVild: The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
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@liv_thatsme: *calling my sister while leaving the salon in tears* Sister: What happened? Did they ruin your hair? Me (between sobs): No, my hair looks great, but my stylist talked to me the ENTIRE TIME
@PaulyPeligroso: I stash my weed in the middle of a bunch of Russian nesting dolls so when the cops are searching for it they give up like after 5 dolls.
@ItsDanSheehan: 7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified 7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
@MUMSIEesq: [HOSPITAL] DOCTOR: "A-tisket a-tasket, you're gonna need a casket." WIFE: "What?" DR: "Your husband's knee surgery did not go well AT ALL."