The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
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Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
translated into Canadian
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Hot Hot Hot
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww