The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
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Someone just threatened to call me later
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Duolingo getting serious.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.