7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
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the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.