Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
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There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Ghost costume 😂
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.