If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
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ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
58.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
You can’t outrun your problems…
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting