THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
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[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
my dog when i have a friend over
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Love it! 👍😂