‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
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Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping