me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
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3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art