The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
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Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they鈥檙e taking her worries away so I figured I鈥檇 try, though it鈥檚 kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should鈥檝e tried harder
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 馃檪
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that鈥檚 fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn鈥檛 say why I ran out of legs.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that鈥檚 the first and last haunted house I鈥檒l be visiting this year.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
me: oh it鈥檚 so nice out I think I鈥檒l wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*