@deardilettante: A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

@SlimSinclair: I don’t come here for trouble, that’s what I go to Hobby Lobby for

@TheDairylandDon: Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

@KimmyMonte: Rejected Pixar Movie Titles: House Float Find My Fish Son Automobile People A Rat Cooked This Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

@MamaFizzles: The children were nestled all snug in their beds until they had to pee get a drink show me they can whistle and ask me if birds have teeth.