Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
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Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
You know…for fall…
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.