The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
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absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Maths meets science
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
looks legit
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Smooooooth
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now