The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
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You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh