The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
You Might Also Like
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.