@LABeachmom: The whole "limiting myself to one glass of wine a day" thing is going really great. I'm like 5 years ahead of schedule.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@murrman5: [catching breath at friends house] I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
@liv_thatsme: "Got a dog." Me:WHAT BREED? WHAT COLOR? WHAT'S HIS NAME? HOW BIG ARE HIS PAWS? IS HE A GOOD BOY? DOES HE SNUGGLE? "Had a baby." Me: cool.
@Dawn_M_: Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
@iwearaonesie: [grocery store] me *hits back of wife's leg with the cart* Funny running into you h- wife: Go wait in the car me: Ok