@LABeachmom: The whole "limiting myself to one glass of wine a day" thing is going really great. I'm like 5 years ahead of schedule.
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@therealelp: jesus could get on twitter and be like "fear not, child. i know for a fact that your going to heaven!" and someone would be like "you're".
@SavoirFail: Just ONCE, I'd like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
@withanewname: [Installing ceiling fan] Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished! Wife on the phone: Is this Bob's fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
@TheSnideOne: What I say: "Does anyone need anything from the store?" What I mean: "I'm off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you."