The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
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At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”