The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
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A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch