The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
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(Musicians.)
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.