The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
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[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
That took me a moment.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth