Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
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I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.