@michaelianblack: The whole thing about "we're all going to die some day," that's a joke, right?
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@SaraESpivey: Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
@LostCatDog: Waiter: Hi! Our special today is macaroni or cheese! Me: Wait - did you say 'or' cheese? Waiter: *lifts shirt, reveals gun* Look, I'm a cop
@teeaysmith: To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches