The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
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I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to