The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
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A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.