@UGotMeRight: The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You'd be surprised how many M&M's someone can swallow in their sleep.
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@PaperWash: Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request me: cool! Facebook: she's racist now me: uhh Facebook: everyone on here is
@jwoodham: Sorry I didn't text you back, but my body is like 70% water and I really didn't want to mess up my phone.
@robfee: Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible.