@UGotMeRight: The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You'd be surprised how many M&M's someone can swallow in their sleep.
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@mattsurely: If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
@aka_fatman: Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
@edfoxcomedy: "On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you're in charge." - my advice to new teachers
@SuperTeeWhy: [Me, getting hauled out of a bank vault with 1,000 chameleons stapled around my body] "Damn"