@UGotMeRight: The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You'd be surprised how many M&M's someone can swallow in their sleep.
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@birbigs: Twitter action film: MAN 1: Follow me. MAN 2: On Twitter? MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you'll be killed. MAN 2: On Twitter?
@ericsshadow: Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don't want to get off the couch.
@TheBoydP: *mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs* Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!