@UGotMeRight: The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You'd be surprised how many M&M's someone can swallow in their sleep.
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@murrman5: can you start monday at 8? "yes, thank you for the opportunity" [calls new boss at his home on sunday night] hello? "am or pm?"
@LuvPug: If there's ever an apocalypse, you'll recognize me because I'll be the zombie wearing flip flops
@shutupmikeginn: Sea turtles happened when god got stoned one night and wondered what would happen if a frisbee was a lizard.
@robotmouthfarts: [Half of my body is already in the anaconda] "Is this a date? This feels like a date."