Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
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I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you