@jeffswarens: The wife just walked out of the store with bags and didn't notice me standing here. Maybe I need to put 75% off on my T-shirt
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@VerifiedDrunk: Finally nailed my girlfriend and her twin last night You know how I tell them apart? Her brother has a mustache.
@rolldiggity: I never feel guilty about eating baby carrots because it's not like adult carrots are doing anything great with their lives.