The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
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Des Moines Police having a normal one
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Woke up against my better judgment again
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.