The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
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I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.