The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
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If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
everyone has that one prude friend
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it