@ISOremarkable: I'm at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

@MeatyPunk: girl: tough guys are hot Me: *hawk lands on my bare arm* I have a gauntlet I just never use it *hawk gnawing on my shoulder* I love this

@dumbbeezie: I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

@hippieswordfish: [calls wife] honey help 'whats wrong?' im done shopping at the door store but now i cant tell which one is the exit 'ok just stop crying'

@jakob_huber: Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.