@QwertyJones3: Wife: He's your son! Me: So you say! But I don't... *Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song* Me: ...ok fine he's my son.

@lakeanagirl: I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn't find her cigarette.

@DickMarcs: “First time caller, long time listener”—Alexander Graham Bell

@ericsshadow: ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess ME: i sell human organs on the black market JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

@JustDontBugMe: [First Date] M: Hi! Him: Hi, I'm Chandler, I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable. M: Oh really? *winks* H: You look beautiful today.