The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
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I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
😂😂
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?