@TheEllenShow: Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

@wittwitbarista: By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I'm able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

@david8hughes: [bank robbery] Robber 1: put money in the bag Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1? Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There's only 3 of us

@murrman5: [reeling in big fish and turns to friend] you got the net? "yes" ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

@jus4golf: My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn't mean together.