@thegayfarmerguy: The wind blew a smart car into my lane and I had to roll down my window and swat it out of the way.
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@NewDadNotes: [the Fellowship of the Ring] Gandalf: who will take the ring to Mordor? Frodo: I will take it Aragorn: you have my sword Legolas: and you have my bow Gimli: and my axe Me: you may have my backpack [everyone turns to stare at me] Me: it’s JanSport
@Bob_Janke: [teaching my dog to shake hands] NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
@Try2StopME: Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
@figgled: Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
@ClichedOut: Me: Good night. Brain: Night. Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
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