@BobTheSuit: I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten. I call it Spock and Aww. Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

@Cpt_Burnout: Subway kid: Would you like your sandwich toasted? Me: No, I'm toasted enough for both us. In fact I'm kind of hoping it can drive me home.

@jessokfine: If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

@GrillinChillin9: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

@man_spach: Starting to fear that all the urgent work emails I LOL'd at and deleted earlier were not actually April Fools' jokes.