I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
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Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
That’s fair
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
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