@AmznMovieRevws: The Wolf of Wall Street.
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@cjwerleman: Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
@tedalexandro: We get it. If your candidate doesn't win in November, you're moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
@AsgardianRose: Me: Why don't I have a boyfriend? God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak. Me: Ah. That's right. Gross.
@Mr_Kapowski: I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign's horoscope just to hear them say "that's so me!"