My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
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adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else