The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
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Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
“OMGJK” -atheists
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.