The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
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I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.