The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
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Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
who did the taste test?
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh