The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
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“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?