The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
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People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
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