The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
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you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found