Me trying to “trust the process”
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It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
How to properly lift a body
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.