The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
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ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere