The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
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“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Ken is short for chicken
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
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