The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
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I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
My five year plan is a meteorite
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.