The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
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To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.